Saints (with MP3 download link)

Download MP3 here
The wind blows
across my back;
I am wandering,
I am whispering
to you now
'til you know

Distant waves
Different saints
We are saved by the sound

The wind blows
across my back;
I am wandering,
I am whispering
to you now
'til you know:
"I love you"

The Warmest Feeling

Holding hands was the warmest feeling;
could use it right now
Snow is falling, the earth is calling
all its friends back down

It's so beautiful, The most beautiful thing
I've seen in awhile
I know it's pitiful, Yeah so pitiful but
I can't seem to smile

Oh, I wish I was sharing this with you
Oh, I wish I was sharing this with you
Oh, how I wish I was sharing this with you
Oh, I wish to God I was...

Take a picture to help you remember
Everything you saw
I'll be watching, through the winter
Waiting for the thaw

Enjoy the weather, Enjoy your feathers
Keep using them to fly
It's for the better, It's so much better
If you don't realize

Oh, I wish I was sharing this with you
Oh, I wish I was sharing this with you
Oh, how I wish I was sharing this with you
Oh, I wish to God I was...

Get up, get up, move faster now
Come watch it all fall down
I don't think I have ever seen
More beauty than right now
Get up, get up, and move your feet
It's freezing back at home
Come on, you know that we are both
Shivering
Shivering
Shivering, alone...

On That Day

These lyrics come with a bonus: a video of me playing the song! Email me (pknettel@gmail.com) for a copy of the MP3.



I want to wake up with my eyes wide open
I want to see everything, in awe of it all
I want to break, break open all the windows
And let the rain pour in

I'm gonna leave here, on the next train coming
I want to be there, when the sun goes down
I'm gonna wake up in a different hour
It's enough to make me smile

Oh, I'm off to see the world
I'll travel so fast, so far
Oh you know, I'd stop
Or at least I'd slow it down
To be where you are

I want to wake up with a mouthful of laughter
I want to sing with the birds and the wind
I want to throw off all of these covers
And let the sun stream in

I'm gonna buy you two dozen roses
I want to see them fall to the ground
I'm gonna watch you with your eyes wide open
Screaming I love, I love, I love, I love you

Oh, I'm off to see the world
I'll travel so fast, so far
Oh you know, I'd stop
Or at least I'd slow it down
To be where you are

I'm gonna walk out into the ocean
I want to feel my fears float away
I'm gonna swim with you in the sunlight
On that glorious day
On that glorious day
On that day

Cavalry

We lost, we lost this one
To the bright and shining sun
We stared, it was so beautiful
But it only left us burned

We tried, to stop it
We tried, to slow it down
We watched, we watched it fall
So quickly towards the ground

I have no words
To share with you my friend
I lost my nerve
I think it's time you just forget
I was here

You stole, you stole the very thing
I could not afford to lose
I called, I called the cavalry in
They were of no use

You ran, to stop it
You ran, to slow it down
(It was the only thing you could do)
I watched, I watched and tried to chase
But could not follow through


I have no words
To share with you my friend
I lost my nerve
I think it's time you just forget
I was here

Rush in on your white horse and try to rescue me
I swear you're six months late and I've fallen helplessly
Don't cry or make a scene, I'll plunge into the ground
I swear if you lose any sleep over me now...
There's no use trying to stop me
There's no use trying to help me
There's no use trying to save me

(Bunker Hill)

We all see the same things
Why don't we see all things the same?

In that cavern behind our eyes
Light is trapped,
wrapped around corners, stopped

dead

in its tracks
on bones
piles and piles of bones
thousands upon thousands of bones!

Oh, these grievances
these hindrances
these wincing witnesses,
skeletons:

muskets in hand
lurking invisibly
or, at least, inconspicuously
until they see the whites of my eyes...

Good Gets Better

Wake up every morning
on the wrong side of the bed
Seems to make no difference
which way you lay your head

Arise to the pain
you let it sink in
Arise to your name
they're calling again

They say good gets better
Well does bad get worse?
Cause I've had my share of failure
All worn out from this curse

Sitting down at your table
in your mug swirls the steam
And your throat isn't able
to stop the burning

You're sore from the breathing
your lungs can attest
You're sore from the screaming
in agony protest

They say good gets better
Well does bad get worse?
Cause I've had my share of failure
All worn out from this curse
All worn out from this curse

Don't go and say I know what I do
cause I don't believe that this is the truth
Everyday something old's gonna break
and everyday something new's being made
It's the way everything's gonna end,
everything will begin

They say good gets better
Well does bad get worse?
Cause I've had my share of rejections and failure
All worn out from this curse
All worn out from this curse
I'm worn out from this curse

It's Getting Better

Look back over your shoulder
Standing there at the counter
Stealing glances, oh it's so easy
Taking chances: please believe me

I don't know the answers
I don't have a clue

Keep a straight face when it hurts to smile
Sitting down now just for awhile
Take a breather now and again
We'll take refuge, then what will happen?

I don't know the answers
I don't have a clue
I just know it's better
I just know it's you
Like all my friends do

I just know that I love your shoulders
I just know that I love your smile
I just know that it's getting better
Like all my friends do

Goodbye Paradigm

I used to think everything was possible
but this is like trying to hold the melting snow
or stop the waves from crashing,
the kids from catching
each others' colds.

I used to know how everything ought to be
but this is like the changing winter trees
or the graying skies,
the loss of light
above our heads.

I guess that this was the wrong time
When I awoke with a pain in my side
I recall I was dreaming (something sweet)
I should have kept closed my eyes

I used to talk like everything was going fine,
so this is my confession, it's been sealed and signed:
it's all those words I never spoke,
all those tears that I just choked
back again;
it's everything I could have broke
if I had the chance to fall
in love again.

The Constancy of Marble

*The ---- don't mean anything, they are just the only way I could get blogger to let me do indents*

I resolve, from this moment on
To wake up at seven each morning
--(and not hit the snooze several times)
To waste fewer moments on the worthless things
--like television and online quizzes;
--worrying and self-deprecating what-ifs
To be full and then stop
To be satisfied and then balk
--at the “I want, I need, I must!”
--shrieking in my ears
To listen to you
--and remember your words
--and not be thinking about
----the strangeness of the word marmalade
----and the even stranger-ness of the way it's made
----or why in God's great assembly line
----there aren't options like automobiles on which we decide:
----“Temperature-controlled”
----“Adamantium-plated”
----“Wings-equipped”
----“Four-hands, extended leg”
----...and yes, it's got a Hemi!
To laugh more
To get frustrated less
To love more
To take pride in your success
--even when it implies my failure
To grasp onto, every day, something
--So that when I look back in 48 hours
--in 48 days
--in 48 years
--I will not see a few illuminated peaks in an otherwise
--Dull, dark and grey landscape
--but instead a forest basking in the colors of a late fall afternoon
--a mountain range revealed as the morning mist subsides
--an ocean at sunset in the warm and pleasant summer
--and a satisfaction
--a deep and lasting comfort
--when at long last confronting
--this dreaded listless panic
To sing joyfully
--and mournfully
To sit peacefully
--and restlessly
To see everything
--and just one thing more
To give you, all you who listen
--Just a little bit of hope
--In an impossible world

Thieves

I saw the stars burning outside
Tell me, is there a guiding light?
If so, it don't burn bright

Lately I have wandered about
Is the truth nowhere to be found,
Or is it just hiding out?

Oh, as robbers go
I haven't managed to steal much
Oh, as cowards go
I cannot seem to give this up

I heard the knocking at my door
You were ready for something more
But what's the point in keeping score?

I was wrestling with my fears
But your hands they drew me near
Now I just feel trapped here

Oh, as robbers go
I haven't managed to steal much
Oh, as cowards go
I cannot seem to give this up

Turn your cold shoulder this way
I know you know what to say
It's so easy to break my heart, it's great
No really it is ok
From the start of this day
I knew the end of this page was always missing

Oh, as robbers go
I haven't managed to steal much
Oh, as cowards go
I cannot seem to give this up
Oh, you thieves, you know
I haven't managed to steal much
Oh, as we all know
There's never been a chance for us

Not A Typical Post, But...

Read this sentence several times:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT
OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY
COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.

Make sure you have read it several times before continuing.

Now count the number of F's in that sentence. Count them ONLY ONCE.
Do not go back and count them again. Then see below:
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
There are six F's in the sentence. The majority of people only count three of them. Most people forget the Fs in the word OF. The human brain tends to see them as Vs instead of F's because of how they sound.

This test was in one of my textbooks. I only counted 3 and I thought it was insane and interesting so I thought I'd share the experience with you!

Pinned (Or Something About Change)

I wish I lived somewhere
With the looming glory of mountains
Or the soothing sound of oceans
Or the dazzling white of snow
Or the endless rows of one-hundred-stories
Or the stones of ancient settlements
Or the rushing roar of rivers
Or the night streets
(filled with people
walking, and laughing
and living...
Oh to truly live!
To not be sucked into the day to day
Mediocrity
by obligation
or comfort, or perhaps just the blindness: inexperience
of something better
something inspiring
something beautiful and passionate and real)
Or the quiet of a little cabin
Or the cold chill of the night air
Or the warmth of a little flame
Or the light of fiery orange
Or the sinking-into-your-chair softness of a good book
Or the corner of the eye vision of you
Or the happiness of love

We Were Built On Legs

It's not that you have gone away
An ocean in this wave
A book inside this page

It's not like we have torn apart
some priceless work of art
It's merely an expression of
Our endless apathy

Don't mind me
I am drowning in this noise
But I have lost my voice
It never was my choice

To be here, (eyes upon) paper trails of white
That dazzle in the light
And I cannot begin to summon
The strength to raise my hands
and wave
and wait

I don't know what I will say to you
But it's a pretty safe bet
That I won't follow through
I don't know what I will take from you
I guess the better question is
"What's left to lose?"

It's not that I didn't get the chance
To fall in with the rest
And struggle with my head

It's not that we ever traveled far
But staying close is hard
When lines are built with faulty wiring
Twisted, Mangled, Scarred

I don't know what I will say to you
But it's a pretty safe bet
That I won't follow through
I don't know what I will take from you
I guess the better question is
"What's left to lose?"

It's not that you have gone away
A body built on legs
A world upon a stage

It's not like we have torn apart
These resilient hearts
This is just a minor setback
We will both survive

Pageant

Well
what does that mean?
A word we use to defend ourselves
when everything is actually going wrong

The lines in the ceiling
match the ones in my face
from too many smiles
maybe I should just wear
a straight face from now on

then

you wouldn't know the depths
of my heart
the innermost of my emotions
how I long that you were here
oh how I long that anyone was here, to hear
to be held
in an electric attraction
a like-opposite magnetism
that draws near
that which would never be expected to meet

depraved!

what does that mean!
Are we so bad off?

Or are we fooling ourselves
into thinking we need something more
so much more
than that which
comes so quickly?

Oh the simplicity
the averageness!
The absolute filthy of the ordinary!

Longing
to
be
so
much
more
than
another one
on the list
of those you now ignore.

Everyone Else Sees

Why do you keep your silence,
tonight, when I am listening in?
Hide behind all your siren songs,
I will not be drawn again

What is seen
Alone
Think, Think!
Get your mind straight:
It's tangled up and twisted at the seams.
Alone
Think, Think!
Turn your head back around
So we can see what everyone else sees.

I crawl beneath these covers
Deny the sun its right of day
I sleep inside a basement
Where light will not find an escape

What is seen
alone
Think, Think!
Get your mind straight:
it's tangled up and twisted at the seams.
alone
Think, Think!
Turn your head back around
so we can see what everyone else sees,
What everyone else sees (x3)
When they sleep (x3)

I don't want to sleep (x4)

Now I sleep alone
Thankfully
But it's the way of the world
To be cruel to me
Now I sleep alone
Thankfully
It's the way of the world
That I finally see

Last Call

Shiny metal draws the eyes
Tracing lines across the sky
Burrow deep into the ground
Never to come back

Cover up beneath your shawl
"Good for one is good for all"
Craving that which makes us ill
Never to wake up

And if this is the last call
I'll be driving into the sun
And if stage lights won't withdraw
You will find me here

Scaling every tow'ring tree
With fiery hair and bony knees
An ocean view from miles away
Never to come down

Kick your shoes off on the floor
Remind me what I'm waiting for
Message garbled on the line
Never to break through

And if this is the last call
I'll be driving into the sun
And if stage lights won't withdraw
You will find me here

This is what I get for being slow to learn
This is what I get for giving you a turn
This is what I get for laying myself down
This is what I get for giving you a round

Everything Falling

I will use my
ammunition on you;
There will be no refuge,
Save the sacred few.
I will use my motives
as an excuse;
There will be no answer,
You can refuse.

Dusty, grayish haze is falling;
Cover you.

Shapeless clouds are forming,
looks like rain;
A deluge of your secrets,
Falling into place.
Shapeless minds are clouding
with disdain;
There will be no answer,
Brightless daze.

Dusty, grayish haze is falling;
Cover face.

There will be no answer from you...

...everything is falling into place...

...I've got you right where I want you...

Hallelujah!
Bring on the gold.
Dust is falling,
Do what you're told.
Hallelujah!
Bring on the gold.
Dust is falling,
Do what you're told.

Summer Clouds

We were walking the same streets
That we walked in the evening
When it burned in the summer
But now it's gone

We took pride in the moment
Took all we had just to own it
We were looking like giants
But now that's gone

Quit messing with my head (x7)
It's a mess we had

We were playing the same beats
That we heard on those CDs
Ringing out through the weather
But now that's gone

We danced, step to the movement
Took our chances to prove it
We looked perfect together
But now we're gone

Quit messing with my head (x7)
It's a mess we had

Don't talk if you don't want to
Don't walk if you don't want to
Don't stop if you don't want to
Ohhh, ohhhh
Don't talk if you don't want to
Don't walk if you don't want to
Don't stop if you don't want to
Ohhh, ohhhh

We were walking together
Despite sun, cloud or weather
We were watching the night fall
And now it's gone

It's an intriguing notion
that everything you might have said
might have said too much;
You whisper but it screams
and bites like scratching nails;
Everything will be revealed,
Darling, in due time.

Deliberately
yet delicately,
A ceasefire that can no longer be ignored
It burns holes deep into the floor
and drops us to our knees.
Our knees!
Scraped from playing in happier times
calloused now, and atrophied.
Our needs!
Ecstatically we pilfer
exactly what will never
Seam
or Seal
these shredded remnants.

It's an appropriate motion
that we take towards the soil
towards the sole purpose
of all these thought out whispers
and all this spontaneous screaming:
Silty sounds, wiping away the mire
So I can clearly see.

2,000 Steps

You wear an insatiable gaze
Wander around this cathedral for days
I don't know how you can smile
Watching the crowds

Your feet tread lightly the ground
As if they have known all the pain pound for pound
Slam your fist high in the air
Burning we are

Welcome home
You've had a good run
Now you're done
And you just want to lay down
Welcome home
You've fought the good fight
I was so proud
Now I just want to slow down

You are the opening scene
Where everything you touch is golden to me
You grasp the sky in your hands
Pulling it down

Run for the hills here they come
Row upon row standing still in the sun
There is a safe place I know
Hurry, let's go

Motion

we invented ourselves
into replications
closely molded duplicates
of the heroes we watched
from our youth

and soon
we became them
we became better than them
the new
the improved versions
not flawless, by any means
simply a continuing step
in the constant striding
constant striving
toward an incomprehensible
End.

"Life, Lately"

Out of options
Loss of cabin pressure
Strained breathing
Stomach in throat
Heart is non-existent (at best)
Fear of flight (no, fear of falling)
Losing sleep (but not from lack of trying)
Studying maps
Delve into destruction
Appetite lost
Paying the price
Decisions, are a lie
Controls have failed us
This is going down.

Panic!
Fear
Prayers
Please, help
Faith, reclaimed
So easy to believe now
Imminent
More so by the second
Watching
Helpless
Growing larger
Eyes closed
Hands clenched
Waiting
Looking back
In a flash
A fiery crash
(Nothing)

Argument

scattered Words
flung about
like abused pillows
in an Unremembered moment

“use lightly
this antiquated instrument
built by hands
lovingly
if you break then say goodbye
used slightly
the dust clogs vital organs
engines firing
or failing to start
we need shock treatment to wake this up”

settled Words
left where they fell
like broken soldiers
in an Unremembered war

Ink

Dull ink
Spewing from this pen
Like a cloudburst;
And when it dries
It will not evaporate away
These crude marks
These cavish engravings.

They say the written word
is Permanent
is Final
is Valuable.
But where is
the Virtue,
the Everlasting,
the Sincerity
In ink which
No other other eyes
Will see?

Only the heart,
That enchanted well,
That never empty vessel,
In this is momentarily satisfied:
These crude marks
This dull ink.

*So I made up the word cavish for this poem. It simply means 'of or pertaining to caves'

All Other Things

Deepening,
this sense of sinking:
underneath a crushing blow,
an undertow,
a heaving roof over my head.

Stifling,
breath is fleeting:
I chase but never catch;
a bed, a heavy door is latched;
Earth's cries are fading out.

Beauty?
maybe...
but where is meaning?

Do I delve too far inside
where barren smiles belie
the words you cling to?
maybe...
but where is honesty?

isolated,
the Truth that once was hidden
in numbers
is bursting through logic's frail defenses
to swallow me whole.

Start Anywhere, End Somewhere

Blogger wouldn't let me format this the way I wanted, so I took a screenshot of the computer and then cropped it...and had a little bit too much fun with Paint ;)

So the idea of this poem is that you can read it multiple ways. I'll let you see if you can figure them out.

(Knowledge)

I crave every second I can get
Knowing there must not be many left
A flashing screen of lights
Where everything will be resolved
In 30 minutes or less

It is comfortable
It is safe
No obligation, no implications
It inevitably leaves me longing for more

The apple I bought, a convenience store
Hourglass grains and a threshing floor
The bite I took, eyes opened wide
Now, be quick, I am out of time

Peace

The softness
Sounding on rooftops in retreat
Falling through cracks among the leaves
Touching the earth, beneath my feet
The anger
Subsided

This is the calm after the storm.

The Thinker

Hand pressed
against the back of the forward seat
Wrinkled, aging, still
a power, a purpose in the motion

You gaze
Rodin's inspiration
Eyes
like furniture in an empty house
"To protect, to prevent
To preserve!"
From underneath, Gatsby warms
The sight is familiar
To a flaw
And the beauty I saw
Floated past your view
A veteran, an assembly line

Eyes
that declare: an account for 60 years
Eyes
(which look away)
that have seen the world
Or at least a fragment

Concerning Rousseau's quarrel,
his rival:
Have the days been
nasty, brutish, short?
For all your brilliance
Is it so?

You keep your silence, huddled
To keep yourself warm
On a worn, wandering bench
Frequented by countless others
Before.

Fade...

(a song)
sitting alone
watching the smoke as it
tries to escape
the circles of the fan

what a waste
all of these useless mistakes
that i made
just to please you

pull out your ghost
to keep me haunted
write me a note so i know
sing us a song
to keep us close
while im drifting along on my own

pick up the speed
turn the dial til you
find what you need
it drowns you out

been thinking of you
and how i cant
hear the sound of your voice
anymore

pull out your ghost
to keep me haunted
write me a note so i know
sing us a song
to keep us close
while im drifting along on my own

lie down,
the brightness burns my
eyes out,
so fill me with your
lies now,
and i'll be satisfied

pull out your ghost
to keep me haunted
write me a note so i know
sing us a song
to keep us close
while im drifting along on my own

Reflections on a Red Brick Wall

You are small,
Cornered by giants,
So insignificant.
But you caught my eye
More than the grandiose surroundings;
Maybe it was the contrast
That captured my attention.

You are old,
In a state of refined decay,
Like the wrinkles that signify wisdom.
You watched as others sprung up
Like spring flowers all around you;
Yet you remained.

You are tarnished,
The soot and filth of decades
Cling furiously to your sides.
But there is a strange sort of beauty
In your uncommon style
And I fell in love.

Red

Stop

The flowers of your love
are bleeding on the carpet
Your tired eyes watch the deepening sun
Set.

The apples are poised to plummet
to the fiery ground,
You trample the brakes
and illuminate the brick streets in soft
Glow.

Wine flows, a rooster crows
and you awake from the night,
Your heart in your throat.

Stop

Roman Girl

A golden sheen
Escapes from the folds
Of your dress
As you walk through the wheat,
Taking in the warmth
With a basket 'round your arm
And a hand upon your brow.

You don't trouble yourself
With needless agitation
And your skin stays young
Your smile effortless, instinctive.

Can I get to know you?
And you can share with me the secret
Of keeping a heart
Like a child.

Meaning?

Sometimes I feel half-blind
And it's not that I can't see
Just that everything looks hazy

The mountain, in the morning
The fog, surrounding back streets
The ghost, paled in bed sheets

The symptoms reappear
Sighted, far and near
And a terrible racket is bellowing
In my ears:

Life
Is
Passing
Us
By.

Will we leave anything behind?

A Fine Day, Isn't It?

your finest moment
was in the cool grass
that green, graceful sea
it brushed your back
with a gentle ease

the sun burned heavy
a crushing brightness
and the beads of sweat
that were lost on their way down
inspired you to forget

you run
spinning
Smiling, In Triumph
a whisper
a barely audible beating
that floods your ears
you fall
head held high
hands in the air
Glory!

unrefined Glory!

flawless, deathless Glory!


screaming arrows rush past
fleeting light, the fireflies
you watch in quiet reverie
contentedly remembering
and wait for the days-end

Two Poems

"Audience"
Hiding
Lying in wait for you to pass by
Has only gotten me cut up
I'm fed up
And now what?

Every trick I try
Gets lost up my sleeve
Every wick I light
Gets doused so quickly
I have all the answers
To the questions you're not asking
Come to think of it
I bet this hasn't even crossed your mind.

So why does it engulf mine?

*****

"9 Minutes"
In this place
Where something glorious
Is coursing swiftly through my veins
It speaks in a whisper
That could fill a cathedral:
"I am happiness
I am peace
I am life, light,
Like the sound of a mountain stream
Or the colors of the evening sky
When red and orange and dark arrive."

I embrace it
I sit back
And feel its warmth
The comforting
Compelling
Complete
Satisfaction of knowing
That everything shines brighter in the sun.

Lungs vs Futures

I stretch myself too thin
Then fall apart, like an old, worn out band
And lately I can't see
But a few feet in front of me

Do you have a cure
For feeling insecure
About my life and where I'm going?
Cause I can't talk to you
Like I used to do
I can't talk to anyone anymore

I put the car in drive
And look up at the chilling sky
I roll the windows down
And just get lost in the glorious sound


Do you have a cure
For feeling insecure
About my life and where I'm going?
Cause I can't talk to you
Like I used to do
I can't talk to anyone anymore

I sing out all I can breathe in
I sing out all I can breathe in
I sing out all I can breathe in
I sing out
All I can
Breathe in...

I think I found a cure
For feeling insecure
About my life and where I'm going
Cause I can talk to you
When I'm singing "Ooh"
I can talk to anyone now

The Woods

Take a walk out to the woods with me
Just keep track of where we're going, please
Cause gettin lost is gettin scared
And I don't need the colder air
I get enough of it back home

That's the one
Count it done
Build us something
To count on
To stand upon
Spill out everything

Take a look at what we're headed for
Pick up colors from the sandy shore
Throw it out or throw it in
Surely it will come again
It's as simple as a love

That's the one
Count it done
Build us something
To count on
To stand upon
Spill out everything

Word's that change is comin round
Burning buildings falling down
Word's that change is comin round
We'll just pick up what we started

That's the one
Count it done
Build us something
To count on
To stand upon
Spill out everything

Midas Borrows Glasses

Everything he touches turns to gold
But his perceptions are skewed
To him it still looks like stone
Grey and cold and uninviting:

"If only I could see through your eyes,
Would I find happiness there?
Would the world look beautiful?"
After all,
The grass is always greener...

...right?

Will nothing go my way?
Whatever Midas was given,
My gift is the antithesis
I take the best into my hands
And out of them falls the worst,
It shatters on the ground.

Golden Line

I'm hoping it will rain
To lift off a weight
And wash away
With furious grace
Insufficiencies and burning haze

I'm ready for a break
Or to break all the rules
This straight-laced way
Of thinking
Has lost all appeal

I'm on a one track mind
For a golden line
Where everything inside
Is given to the light
And brokenness finally dies

Haiku

Sleep comes so quickly
When your heart is satisfied;
I lie wide awake.

Fireworks

An explosion,
A flash of light.
And we stare in awe
At the flurry of colors
That seem suspended in the air
If only for a moment
Before falling gracefully to the earth,
Their flame flickering and fading out.

Amazing how
This perfectly reflects
The past year.
And now
I hold this match
Lit in my hand,
Hoping that this time
The stars won't fall from the sky.

Seven

Seven times now
I've asked you to leave
Seven times you've refused
Your presence is unnerving
Still you haven't moved
You stare at the mess on the floor
Just stare at the wreckage
Torn up petals fall to the ground

Glued-on feathers won't help you fly
Put on your mask, it won't disguise
Your camouflage won't let you hide
So just turn away and cover your eyes

Several hours now
Time isn't what it seems
Several days pass us by
Still you haven't moved
You stare at the hands as they circle
Just stare at the face as
The hour slowly turns to seven

If this has taught me anything
Then it has taught me this:
Your choices get the best of you
Your heart you can't resist

Song a Week Challenge

As you may or may not know, last Friday (April 3rd), I set a challenge for myself: to write at least one song or poem a day for a year, and to record at least one song a week. I'm going strong on the writing part, and I decided it was time to get started on the recording part. Hence, my first recorded song for this project is now online for your listening and downloading pleasure at

http://www.purevolume.com/songaweek

I will be posting some of my lyrics/poems on here, and the songs will always go up on that website...and don't worry I'll remind you ;)

The Sailor's Wife

She stares at the ocean,
Keeps her eyes pinned to the horizon.
She longs to see the sails again
But soon the sea and sky melt into one.

At sunset she turns around,
Disappointed.
No, not today.
She heads back home.

Through vile streets
And jeering calls,
She rushes for shelter
And locks the door behind her.

Quietly she weeps to herself.

Two weeks earlier she gathered excitedly
With the rest of the town
To witness their return,
Victoriously from far-off lands:
The men drunk on visions of wealth and glory,
The women attempting to remain composed.

But they did not arrive.
Every day she waited.
Every day she was let down.
Every day they did not arrive.

Now she is losing hope.
Surely they must have run aground
Or been overtaken by the cutthroats
Or perhaps the sea had simply claimed
Another vessel as its own.

To be so in love and so alone
To be without hope
Tears her apart.

She runs back to the ocean.
She swims
And swims
swims
swims

swims.

Her limbs ache.
She struggles against the waves.
The night and the wind
Swallow her cries
Until she sinks beneath the surface,
And darkness becomes her everything.


The sun rises on the water,
It sparkles and shines
And from the crow's nest where he stands
He stares at the ocean,
Keeps his eyes pinned to the horizon.
He longs to see his town again
And suddenly cries, "Land, ho!"

Penelope

Off in the distance
you are standing on a road
in the shadow of mountains.
I want so badly
to reach out and grab your hand.
From where I'm standing
I can barely tell you're there.

I take the first step
Try not to stumble
Dark clouds begin to gather
Thunder is shaking the earth
My destination keeps me treading
Nervous
Uncertain
I pace along
I take the last step...

An imprint is all
that marks the spot where you stood
in the shadow of mountains.
I want so badly
to give you all my reasons.
But that's hard to do
when you've up and
Disappeared.

Revisiting

The firelight cast shadows on the room
Put on my coat, I'm leavin' soon
All your basic instincts make you move
Fear and love combine and you can't choose
Choose between the two

Are you running
Running towards
Or running away?
Build your heart into something hard
So you can't break.
Are you running
Running towards
Or running away?
I hope you'll run my way

The world keeps spinning round and round
Your light and dark they wear you out
Your heart is beating way too loud
That I can't hear a single sound
The sound is ringing out

Are you running
Running towards
Or running away?
Build your heart into something hard
So you can't break.
Are you running
Running towards
Or running away?
I hope you'll run my way

3 Poems from this weekend

"Finish Line"
Teach me
Everything you have learned
Do you know how to live forever?
Or at least a way to
Make this moment last.

A heart
To hold within my own
Was all I thought I wanted, needed.
But our racing pulses
Left us tired at the end.

Teach me
Everything you have learned
Did this one come to find you waiting?
Or were you just surprised
To be in love again so fast.


"Dust"
The wind will carry with it
Many things:
Change that sweeps in fast
and knocks me off my feet;
Words that whisper softly
of evil things I've done;
Dust that covers me in shame,
burying my heart beneath the silt.

And once I have been eroded
Into the earth from where I came,
It will carry me to the sea
And go on along its way.


"Driving Home"
Let's stay here
Where we don't have to feel real.
The pressure that cracks me open wide
Has become the typical
Back there.

Let's stay here
Where we can pretend we are alone.
My life that feels so mundane
Has become the routine
Back there.

Let me stay here
Where I can forget you exist.
The thoughts that tear me seam from seam
Have become overwhelming
Back there.

By The Tracks

You were waiting for me
By the tracks, By the tracks
But the train was coming
Way too fast, Way too fast
You didn't see the warnings
Flashing lights, flashing lights
It blew right past you
And out of sight, Out of sight

You gave me something, something special
I gave you a razorblade
Now I'll just keep my, keep my distance
You keep your, your brand new day

I was waiting for you
By the sea, By the sea
An ocean was between us
"Won't bother me, bother me"
But when I got back home
On solid ground, solid ground
All I wanted was to leave
Turn around, back around


You gave me something, something special
I gave you a razorblade
Now I'll just keep my, keep my distance
You keep your, your brand new day

I know what I have lost
Don't want it back, want it back
But there's something missing deep down
That I lack, that I lack
Can't get it back, get it back
Get it back

too busy to think, and right now that feels like a good thing...

i want to lay down with you
so we can rest together
because my organs are failing
and my patience is fleeting
and my hope is at its last straw

it's been so long
since i saw the light of day
the sun has left my body
i want to lay down with you
in the warmth
so we can rest together

my mind aches
or is it my heart?
i can't tell them apart
lately

i long to find what you now have
but this darkness dims my vision
my options are nonexistent at best
i want to lay down with you
if you are out there
if you can find me
so we can rest together

Keep Me Blind

I set this off
Many months ago
The aftershock is still
Ringing in my home
The walls cave in
And I can't comprehend
The damage I've done

Keep moving forward, I'll fall behind
Just take 3 steps back, The tape rewinds
To when I didn't see you,
And I didn't need you
Just stay hidden, keep me blind

What do you take me for, some sort of fool
Who still believes in love
Though it's harsh and it's cruel
Well you may be right
Cause I can't keep my naive eyes off you

Keep moving forward, I'll fall behind
Just take 3 steps back, The tape rewinds
To when I didn't see you,
And I didn't need you
Just stay hidden, keep me blind

Could you take me back to the start of it all?
Cause ignorance is bliss when you know how to fall
Could you take me back to the start of it all?
Cause ignorance is bliss when you know how to fall
How to fall

Keep moving forward, I'll fall behind
Just take 3 steps back, The tape rewinds
To when I didn't see you,
And I didn't need you
Just stay hidden, keep me blind
Keep me blind

Dylan's Battle Cry

Do you hear the war bells ringing?
Do you hear the children singing?
Do you feel your heart a-tingling?
When the soldiers comin home?

Do you hear the children laughing?
Do you hear the bombshells crashing?
Do you hear the question asking
When the soldiers comin home?

We don't know where we are going
But we're in this for the ride
What we do here counts for nothin
The only difference is in our minds
We fight for peace in our own time

Do you fear a world of fighting?
Do you fear the cold wind biting?
Do you fear what the sky brings?
When those bombs a-gonna fall?

Do you hear 'bout rising tensions?
Do you hear 'bout escalation?
Do you see those hateful nations?
When those bombs a-gonna fall?

We don't know where we are going
But we're in this for the ride
What we do here counts for nothin
The only difference is in our minds
We fight for peace in our own time
And spread our love to all mankind

We don't know where we are going
But we're in this for the ride
What we do here counts for nothin
The only difference is in our minds
We fight for peace in our own time
We have committed our own crimes
But we spread love to all mankind

Do you hear the children singing?
Do you hear the war bells ringing?
Do you get the message I bring?
When the soldiers comin home?
When the soldiers comin home?
When the soldiers comin home?

This song is inspired by Bob Dylan, from the music to the lyrical style to the subject matter. It is also about Bob Dylan, and those like him, who wrote music that they believed would change the world, and I believe has. If our music does not move people, what is its purpose? If our words do not inspire, why write them?

Song: "Run"

I've been running so hard
Lately, trying to find what will
Make me, happy I've been running
Again

I've been searching far and
Wide for a love that takes me
High or somewhere past my mind
Again

Without you, Without you

I've been spinning round in
Circles, and chasing after
Pearls, that only turn to stone
Again

I've been losing all my
Focus, distracted I
Impose this self-destructing fight
Again

Without you, Without you
When you've been there
When you've always been there
When you've been there
When you've always been there
Beside me
Beside me

I've been running so hard lately
Trying to find what's right before me
I've been spinning webs around me
Trying to catch what comes willingly,
Right beside me

I've been running
I've been running
I've been running
Again

A poem?

"Heart"
Two hours I wait
And the city swells around me
Still I see the sweat
And the blood
And there's ringing in my ears
Never ceasing

Two years are gone
And I go inside now
So they can commend me
For my wounds
And the medal dangling from my neck
Starts to burn

Aftershock and Afterthoughts

These are just random things I think about, I will keep adding to this in the next few days, but here are the first two:

Attention:
Have you ever seen someone try to get another person's attention from a distance, or while they are looking away, or in a loud room...and the other person just doesn't notice? And the first person keeps trying and trying, but still the other is oblivious! It's not because they don't want to talk to the first person, they are simply unaware of the other's presence or attempts to get their attention.
I've come to realize that I love seeing this happen as an outside observer. Not because I enjoy seeing the first person's thwarted efforts, but because it makes me feel much better when the same thing happens to me.

Being Remembered:
Some people stand out in our memories. Maybe they were particularly outgoing, or funny, or insightful, or full of life. Whatever the reason, we remember these people. We care about them and want to know what is going on in their lives. Then there are those people who are easy to forget. Not because they are rude or we don't like them for some reason; they simply don't stand out. We like them when we are around them, but do not think of them outside of those brief encounters.
I am starting to figure out that, for whatever reason, I fall into the second category to the vast majority of people I know.
"I don't really care how I am remembered as long as I bring happiness and joy to people."-Eddie Albert

Decisions, Decisions (Part 2)

(the saga continues...)

So my sophomore rolled around. After a summer where I did pretty much nothing besides work, I was ready to go back to school, even though I still had serious doubts about my future at ACU.

I tried pledging a social club (fraternity), but decided, after much consideration and prayer, that it wasn't for me. I initially thought that I could make some really close friendships through pledging, which I'm sure is true; that is the whole purpose of pledging as I understand it. But somehow it just didn't feel right for me. I can't say if it was God trying to guide me, or simply my own thoughts, or, most likely, a little of both. Nonetheless, I decided to trust my instincts and depledge.

In the meantime, I stopped attempting to hang out with the group of people I had so longed to be a part of the previous semester, and who had basically not given me the time of day. And I was blessed to find new friends, ones who cared about me, ones I genuinely enjoyed being with, ones who helped fill the hole I had had in my heart for so long.

Despite that much needed respite from loneliness, I still felt that something was missing. For one, I had not dated anyone since high school, and my need for intimacy was constantly intensifying.

But here's the real problem: I was putting my self worth in what others thought of me and whether or not they needed me. I don't know when I figured this out; there was no epiphanic moment or sudden realization of any kind. But it slowly dawned on me during my sophomore year:

I am a people pleaser.
I feel an intense need to be needed.
I will do almost anything for the people I love.
I long to gain people's attention, and more importantly, their affection.

These attributes aren't inherently bad. But when I let them define me, when I let the views of other people determine the way I look at myself, this is a problem.

My identity should be found in myself, and even more in God. And God promises to love me no matter what I do. God's unconditional love, agape, is, by definition, not based on how nice, how funny, how smart, how charming I am or am not. It is love in its purest form. It is unshakable. And it is the most beautiful thing I know.

I do still struggle with my self image. There are definitely still days when I feel depressed or lonely. But I have become more aware of this problem, and I can trust that God will always be there to guide me through the tough times. And in return, I try to love other people unconditionally, as hard as it sometimes is, and hopefully give them a glimpse of the agape God has for them.

I have shared this story with you not to evoke pity or to get you to be nicer to me or anything like that. I shared it so you can see what happens when you place your self worth in God's love rather than the opinions of others. I shared it so people will know that they are loved and that they are never alone.

Decisions, Decisions (part 1)

Have you ever felt like you didn't know what you wanted?

That you were not content with your life as it was right then, but you didn't know how to make it better?

That nothing was necessarily going wrong, but something didn't feel right, either?

Or that you had a big decision to make, and had no idea what you should do?

Well I can't speak for you, but I've felt this way a lot in recent years. I guess it all started when I began looking at colleges. They all sort of looked the same to me: big buildings, thousands of students, lots of different majors, teachers and classes. The possibilities were endless.

The decision fell completely in my lap: where to go, what to major in, what to do with my life. And I had no idea.

I finally made the decision to go to ACU (mainly because it cost about $10,000 less a year than Baylor, the other school I had been seriously considering). I honestly don't even know how I heard of ACU. I think I got one of those colorful little pamphlets in the mail or something. In any case, I chose ACU. And in the nearly three years I've been here, I have learned one thing above all else: Life Is What You Make It.

That probably sounds cliched, oh well.

I worked my way through my freshman year, and as the majority of college freshmen will tell you, it was quite the transition. I'm not really talking about being away from my parents or having more responsibility. For me the biggest change was that suddenly, I had no close friends. In high school, I had developed a very good group of friends. In fact, as of this Christmas break, most of us are still hanging out regularly when we are at home. And it was great, I always had people who I could turn to, loyal friends who loved me and whom I loved.

But at ACU, I knew no one. Only like three other people from my high school class were going to ACU, and although I knew and liked them, I was not particularly close to any of them. So I had to basically start from scratch. Fortunately, I was blessed to have a great group of people in my U-100 class (basically an Intro to College class for anyone not from ACU reading this). We all hung out a lot that first semester. And I made a few other close friends in that first semester. Still, it wasn't even close to what I had had in high school. And I wanted that, I wanted more. During my second semester, I tried to find this. Let's just say I didn't find it. At all.

It was tough. I won't depress you with the details, but I started to hate ACU. And for about two semesters, I seriously considered transferring. I didn't even have a clue as to where I would go. I just knew (at that time) that ACU wasn't the place for me...

(to be continued)

The Worship "Industry"

Compliments my previous post:

The First Five Times

I think broadcasting Church on Radio/TV was possibly one of the worst things to happen to Christianity in recent history. Not to say that the people who started this venture had bad intentions. On the contrary, the idea of providing people a way to hear and see the service if they could not make it to church for one reason or another must have seemed like a very alluring way to reach out to people.

But this is what has happened: church services that are broadcasted away from the church further propagate (albeit unintentionally) the idea that church is a passive, once-a-week ritual the average Christian is supposed to attend. You listen to songs sung by the choir, a sermon by the preacher, some prayers by ministers. You watch the clock and wonder if its time for lunch yet. And suddenly the focus of church, being in community with other believers, is lost.

The church, since its beginning, was held to build community. Back in the days of the early Christians, the church would, literally, share a meal together (communion). They would listen as everyone spoke about their struggles and successes, pray for each other and learn from each other as they grew together in their faith. They shared what few possessions they had with each other, and no one was ever in need. Over 2000 years the church (especially in Western culture) has morphed into a mass gathering where a very small percentage of the people there have the opportunity to actively participate.

Secondly, the "media-ization" of church has increased the potential for preachers and other leaders to lose focus. Budgets become huge and all-important, greed for power becomes an issue, pastoring takes a back seat, and suddenly the congregation gets left in the dust. They keep coming back to "see the show", but often leave unfilled, their desire for community unmet.

I was informed recently that, in China due to the communist regime's fear of rebellion, group meetings are not allowed. These meetings are defined as having more than 15 people together in the same place at the same time. Therefore, church meetings in the country are limited to 15 people. And yet, the underground Christian church in China is thriving.

Is it possible that these small groups of believers, gathering much in the same way as the early Christians, are "better off" in their faith because of the way they conduct church?

I like to think so.