Decisions, Decisions (Part 2)

(the saga continues...)

So my sophomore rolled around. After a summer where I did pretty much nothing besides work, I was ready to go back to school, even though I still had serious doubts about my future at ACU.

I tried pledging a social club (fraternity), but decided, after much consideration and prayer, that it wasn't for me. I initially thought that I could make some really close friendships through pledging, which I'm sure is true; that is the whole purpose of pledging as I understand it. But somehow it just didn't feel right for me. I can't say if it was God trying to guide me, or simply my own thoughts, or, most likely, a little of both. Nonetheless, I decided to trust my instincts and depledge.

In the meantime, I stopped attempting to hang out with the group of people I had so longed to be a part of the previous semester, and who had basically not given me the time of day. And I was blessed to find new friends, ones who cared about me, ones I genuinely enjoyed being with, ones who helped fill the hole I had had in my heart for so long.

Despite that much needed respite from loneliness, I still felt that something was missing. For one, I had not dated anyone since high school, and my need for intimacy was constantly intensifying.

But here's the real problem: I was putting my self worth in what others thought of me and whether or not they needed me. I don't know when I figured this out; there was no epiphanic moment or sudden realization of any kind. But it slowly dawned on me during my sophomore year:

I am a people pleaser.
I feel an intense need to be needed.
I will do almost anything for the people I love.
I long to gain people's attention, and more importantly, their affection.

These attributes aren't inherently bad. But when I let them define me, when I let the views of other people determine the way I look at myself, this is a problem.

My identity should be found in myself, and even more in God. And God promises to love me no matter what I do. God's unconditional love, agape, is, by definition, not based on how nice, how funny, how smart, how charming I am or am not. It is love in its purest form. It is unshakable. And it is the most beautiful thing I know.

I do still struggle with my self image. There are definitely still days when I feel depressed or lonely. But I have become more aware of this problem, and I can trust that God will always be there to guide me through the tough times. And in return, I try to love other people unconditionally, as hard as it sometimes is, and hopefully give them a glimpse of the agape God has for them.

I have shared this story with you not to evoke pity or to get you to be nicer to me or anything like that. I shared it so you can see what happens when you place your self worth in God's love rather than the opinions of others. I shared it so people will know that they are loved and that they are never alone.