A poem?

"Heart"
Two hours I wait
And the city swells around me
Still I see the sweat
And the blood
And there's ringing in my ears
Never ceasing

Two years are gone
And I go inside now
So they can commend me
For my wounds
And the medal dangling from my neck
Starts to burn

Aftershock and Afterthoughts

These are just random things I think about, I will keep adding to this in the next few days, but here are the first two:

Attention:
Have you ever seen someone try to get another person's attention from a distance, or while they are looking away, or in a loud room...and the other person just doesn't notice? And the first person keeps trying and trying, but still the other is oblivious! It's not because they don't want to talk to the first person, they are simply unaware of the other's presence or attempts to get their attention.
I've come to realize that I love seeing this happen as an outside observer. Not because I enjoy seeing the first person's thwarted efforts, but because it makes me feel much better when the same thing happens to me.

Being Remembered:
Some people stand out in our memories. Maybe they were particularly outgoing, or funny, or insightful, or full of life. Whatever the reason, we remember these people. We care about them and want to know what is going on in their lives. Then there are those people who are easy to forget. Not because they are rude or we don't like them for some reason; they simply don't stand out. We like them when we are around them, but do not think of them outside of those brief encounters.
I am starting to figure out that, for whatever reason, I fall into the second category to the vast majority of people I know.
"I don't really care how I am remembered as long as I bring happiness and joy to people."-Eddie Albert

Decisions, Decisions (Part 2)

(the saga continues...)

So my sophomore rolled around. After a summer where I did pretty much nothing besides work, I was ready to go back to school, even though I still had serious doubts about my future at ACU.

I tried pledging a social club (fraternity), but decided, after much consideration and prayer, that it wasn't for me. I initially thought that I could make some really close friendships through pledging, which I'm sure is true; that is the whole purpose of pledging as I understand it. But somehow it just didn't feel right for me. I can't say if it was God trying to guide me, or simply my own thoughts, or, most likely, a little of both. Nonetheless, I decided to trust my instincts and depledge.

In the meantime, I stopped attempting to hang out with the group of people I had so longed to be a part of the previous semester, and who had basically not given me the time of day. And I was blessed to find new friends, ones who cared about me, ones I genuinely enjoyed being with, ones who helped fill the hole I had had in my heart for so long.

Despite that much needed respite from loneliness, I still felt that something was missing. For one, I had not dated anyone since high school, and my need for intimacy was constantly intensifying.

But here's the real problem: I was putting my self worth in what others thought of me and whether or not they needed me. I don't know when I figured this out; there was no epiphanic moment or sudden realization of any kind. But it slowly dawned on me during my sophomore year:

I am a people pleaser.
I feel an intense need to be needed.
I will do almost anything for the people I love.
I long to gain people's attention, and more importantly, their affection.

These attributes aren't inherently bad. But when I let them define me, when I let the views of other people determine the way I look at myself, this is a problem.

My identity should be found in myself, and even more in God. And God promises to love me no matter what I do. God's unconditional love, agape, is, by definition, not based on how nice, how funny, how smart, how charming I am or am not. It is love in its purest form. It is unshakable. And it is the most beautiful thing I know.

I do still struggle with my self image. There are definitely still days when I feel depressed or lonely. But I have become more aware of this problem, and I can trust that God will always be there to guide me through the tough times. And in return, I try to love other people unconditionally, as hard as it sometimes is, and hopefully give them a glimpse of the agape God has for them.

I have shared this story with you not to evoke pity or to get you to be nicer to me or anything like that. I shared it so you can see what happens when you place your self worth in God's love rather than the opinions of others. I shared it so people will know that they are loved and that they are never alone.

Decisions, Decisions (part 1)

Have you ever felt like you didn't know what you wanted?

That you were not content with your life as it was right then, but you didn't know how to make it better?

That nothing was necessarily going wrong, but something didn't feel right, either?

Or that you had a big decision to make, and had no idea what you should do?

Well I can't speak for you, but I've felt this way a lot in recent years. I guess it all started when I began looking at colleges. They all sort of looked the same to me: big buildings, thousands of students, lots of different majors, teachers and classes. The possibilities were endless.

The decision fell completely in my lap: where to go, what to major in, what to do with my life. And I had no idea.

I finally made the decision to go to ACU (mainly because it cost about $10,000 less a year than Baylor, the other school I had been seriously considering). I honestly don't even know how I heard of ACU. I think I got one of those colorful little pamphlets in the mail or something. In any case, I chose ACU. And in the nearly three years I've been here, I have learned one thing above all else: Life Is What You Make It.

That probably sounds cliched, oh well.

I worked my way through my freshman year, and as the majority of college freshmen will tell you, it was quite the transition. I'm not really talking about being away from my parents or having more responsibility. For me the biggest change was that suddenly, I had no close friends. In high school, I had developed a very good group of friends. In fact, as of this Christmas break, most of us are still hanging out regularly when we are at home. And it was great, I always had people who I could turn to, loyal friends who loved me and whom I loved.

But at ACU, I knew no one. Only like three other people from my high school class were going to ACU, and although I knew and liked them, I was not particularly close to any of them. So I had to basically start from scratch. Fortunately, I was blessed to have a great group of people in my U-100 class (basically an Intro to College class for anyone not from ACU reading this). We all hung out a lot that first semester. And I made a few other close friends in that first semester. Still, it wasn't even close to what I had had in high school. And I wanted that, I wanted more. During my second semester, I tried to find this. Let's just say I didn't find it. At all.

It was tough. I won't depress you with the details, but I started to hate ACU. And for about two semesters, I seriously considered transferring. I didn't even have a clue as to where I would go. I just knew (at that time) that ACU wasn't the place for me...

(to be continued)

The Worship "Industry"

Compliments my previous post:

The First Five Times

I think broadcasting Church on Radio/TV was possibly one of the worst things to happen to Christianity in recent history. Not to say that the people who started this venture had bad intentions. On the contrary, the idea of providing people a way to hear and see the service if they could not make it to church for one reason or another must have seemed like a very alluring way to reach out to people.

But this is what has happened: church services that are broadcasted away from the church further propagate (albeit unintentionally) the idea that church is a passive, once-a-week ritual the average Christian is supposed to attend. You listen to songs sung by the choir, a sermon by the preacher, some prayers by ministers. You watch the clock and wonder if its time for lunch yet. And suddenly the focus of church, being in community with other believers, is lost.

The church, since its beginning, was held to build community. Back in the days of the early Christians, the church would, literally, share a meal together (communion). They would listen as everyone spoke about their struggles and successes, pray for each other and learn from each other as they grew together in their faith. They shared what few possessions they had with each other, and no one was ever in need. Over 2000 years the church (especially in Western culture) has morphed into a mass gathering where a very small percentage of the people there have the opportunity to actively participate.

Secondly, the "media-ization" of church has increased the potential for preachers and other leaders to lose focus. Budgets become huge and all-important, greed for power becomes an issue, pastoring takes a back seat, and suddenly the congregation gets left in the dust. They keep coming back to "see the show", but often leave unfilled, their desire for community unmet.

I was informed recently that, in China due to the communist regime's fear of rebellion, group meetings are not allowed. These meetings are defined as having more than 15 people together in the same place at the same time. Therefore, church meetings in the country are limited to 15 people. And yet, the underground Christian church in China is thriving.

Is it possible that these small groups of believers, gathering much in the same way as the early Christians, are "better off" in their faith because of the way they conduct church?

I like to think so.